JEALOUSY

What does Jealousy mean to you?  Have you ever experienced Jealousy, either through feeling it, or having someone "jealous" of you?

Let us take an actual look at the meaning of the word in my 20+ year old Webster:  Jealousy-1. Demanding complete devotion  2.  Suspicious of a rival, or of one believed to enjoy an "advantage".  

Daily Wisdom Word Definition:  1.  A feeling inside one negatively driving them to pay more attention to others accomplishments, measuring their successes against them  2.  a controlling, need within to have full attention from others focused on themselves.

I believe, if we are all honest, we have felt jealousy before in some situation, and will again.  I believe writing daily wisdom words requires full honesty from myself, in hopes my stories can help you in some way.

I have felt "intense" jealousy, over one man in my past I have been in love with.  Jealousy is such a lost feeling and emotion, because there is no "outlet for the feeling itself".   I have learned this the hard way,   I have found in all fairness perhaps the jealousy felt, had grounds on which to feel it.  I believe, logically, Jealousy, is a big sign of insecurity, and don't wish to look at myself in that light, but I chose this word today, because I believe, all negative feelings, especially those with no healthy outlet, must be turned into positive emotion if we wish to be mentally healthy.  

How far did Jealousy go with me?  Remember, this is a feeling with all sorts of negative actions associated with it.  I was in a relationship which started with someone in which they already knew my deepest fears. I can only say, he knew me long before I knew him. 

Long story short, we ended up engaged, as a way to protect him, I believe.  His previous girlfriend was very Jealous.  What I didn't know, was he kept in touch with her and her children, and I was "so jealous" when I found out one year into the relationship, I went to many lengths to contact her.  We began talking, and I watched jealousy play out in a way I never could go through with.  

 I must say, that relationship, was based on so much deception, with other women around him, and her, wanting him to pay for her pain, and I, on the verge of it, finding out, if we argued, he would cheat, justifying it as the end of the relationship.  

It is only fair to say, my insecurities, ruled my life, after three years of this.  

I often get the question, why did I stay in it?   I can't answer that.  The saddest thing of all, is even today, I cannot explain the intensity of my feelings.  You don't choose who you love, but we can choose how to love.  If love is so intense and there isn't any assurances based on their actions, that it is mutual,  they are not in love with you, or are, but are too scarred from a past they don't share with you, to know how to share this love.

I even in the end, as hurt as I was, told him of her plan, and what were the results?  I DIDN'T expect anything for telling him.  We were not together.

When you are with someone like this, you find out exactly how powerful jealousy can be.  I am so ashamed of my behavior, when I look back, and prior to this, I had never experienced jealousy this intense, and never ever crossed lines I call, "boundaries".  All of us have a right to privacy, but we do expect, as the relationship progresses, that there is transparency of some kind.  

I looked at his phone while he was sleeping and found six women he was sex texting with. I was crushed.  It was a true case of pain and hurt and betrayal and jealousy.  This person doesn't apologize, and if he does, he places himself outside of the apology, not taking full accountability, so when he truly from his heart, apologized, I thought I could change him, and we could work things out.

We all have a past, and we all have things or relationships, in our past.  If your like me, I feel I can rescue people.  We however, can't change another.  We can only hope, they wish to change enough, they choose to do so.  Jealousy, when carried out, causes so many negative outcomes and events.

 I believed in him, and his love, and now looking back, all of my "actions speak louder than words, advice" comes from this relationship and mistakes along the way. I found myself, "obsessed" believing if I could get to the truth with him, and his secrets, we would have a chance.

I am still healing from this, I realize as I write this.  It still hurts to hear the beautiful words of love, from him, in memory, and his actions which took the opposite direction.  

I am blessed to be with someone now, who is completely transparent, and patient.  He is an amazing man, so deep with his love, well grounded, and heartfelt, and Honest.  He sometimes has to deal with the scars of my past, but he is patient, and allows me the space to heal, because I take one step back and two steps forward, at times.  What we share, is a deep commitment to work with morals and values, and truth and loyalty and most importantly, I trust him.  I have no doubt, if he needed, he would give his life for mine.  He is my love I can share with, and not be afraid, of what might come from sharing it with him.

Jealousy plays out in petty ways, such as facebook jealousy.  I just read an article talking about people posting their experiences, and their friends feeling envy and jealousy, wishing their life were as exciting.

All we can do is change our present, and mistakes, of the past such as this jealousy I have shared with you, can continue to be a mine.  Life is about our "choices" and we all have one, so choose not to be in situations, which evoke negative emotion you can't cope with...  SL

Wisdom Wordology, A Game of the Mind    This is my Wisdogram for Jealousy, and I feel confident one of you will be able to come up with a phrase, which sums up the meaning of "Jealousy" (daily wisdom word) using the first to last letters in the daily wisdom word, in the order it is spelt!  Have fun!!!
WISDOGRAM FOR JEALOUSY =(J)aded  (E)motion  (A)nimosity   (L)eaves, (O)nly  (U)psetting,  (S)addly   (Y)ourself